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The Epiphany, a Roman Catholic Christian Feast, has passed me by and that is PRECISELY what I had while I was walking back to the dorm that I consider my home.
I realized, emphasized by heart-thumping irrational fear, that I am VERY AFRAID of growing up. The fear is composed of the following:
1. Growing up would mean that my parents would have to die soon. I may NOT like my parents, but they're the parents I had while I was growing up. Like them or not, I care for them deeply and imagining the time when they die hurt me very much. I really don't know when it occurred to me that growing up meant that my parents had to die soon, but I realize & know that I am very much afraid of that event.
2. Growing up also means that I'll die sooner or later. I guess that's where my suicidal tendencies come from, but the connection doesn't hold water at the moment, so I'll discard it. There is no objective data that supports the belief that there IS life beyond death. Life after death isn't a question because life continues to be even as someone dies. What I'm very much uncertain of &, consequently, afraid of is the situation beyond my life now. It's the unknown.
For what it's worth, that discovery (that I'm afraid of growing up) drove home a very important realization. It's highly probable that the very reason why I didn't progress quickly in my college education is because I wanted to maintain a situation I was comfortable with, a situation wherein my parents were able to support me because they were alive and healthy. Given the fact that my life with them was hardly stress-free, I prefer the fact that they're around to cause me stress rather than the future where they're dead of old age.
At the moment, I've yet to fully assimilate the data I've accumulated within the last three weeks. The data's inside swirling, and winking at me once in a while, inside my memory palace at the moment. [sighs] I might as well get on with it, the arrangement & assimilation, I mean.
"The first step to believing something is wanting to believe it is true... or being afraid it is."
-Wizard's First Rule
On December 15, 2006, I received news through baby pictures captioned with "Aoisora Alexiel" that I may have actually fathered a child through my ex-GF. Unfortunately, I allowed my fears to control my reactions and that blinded me to the fact that the child's pictures included an image of the child's information (weight, length, date of birth). I was severely depressed by the fact (I thought it was a fact) that I have sired a child I wouldn't be able to raise. Being eldest in a Filipino family meant that I've been taught responsibility the moment my sibling was born, not that I was adverse to it. I was severely aggravated that (I'm reminding you that I REALLY thought the child was mine) a child of mine will grow up WITHOUT my guidance. Here, the Wizard's First Rule would have been priceless, had I followed it. Damn it all to hell [shakes head]. That severe depression resulted in further absence at the clinic I was serving in. I have somewhat resolved that issue and I'm at least half-way towards the complete resolution of my botched internship.
During the first week of January, I was still in mental quicksand (quicksand - geological feature that sucks you down faster the more you move, as per my knowledge) until I've resolved to "do or die" on January 5, 2007. I applied to two jobs during that day's afternoon and early evening. I failed to pass the second job interview's requirements because of my inability to correctly pronounce "th". I didn't receive anything from the first company I applied to on January 8, 2007, the date I was promised to be notified about the results of my application. As it is, I wasn't hired anywhere.
On January 8, 2007, I FINALLY talked to my mother about the things that were bothering me, particularly the built-in self-destruct module I had. That was also the time when I was compelled to state the truth about my feelings. Unfortunately, stating my true feelings on January 9, 2007 made my mom panic which made me panic. All the panic resulted in a phone call from a very special lady that made the day right in the end. I was able to resolve a good number of issues by January 13, 2007 when it was put on paper that I will graduate this April if I finish my make-up duties within the prescribed period.
The gears have started spinning last week & I intend to keep them spinning. There is much to do, a fear to conquer and a world to dominate. Sitting on my butt writing about them is good practice, I think [tilts head to the left]. It also puts things in perspective and in a form I can review in the future.
I would like to react to the well-meant and well-received messages to my previous post but that will have to wait.
Notes:
1. Aoisora Alexiel - The name chosen by Swordsong Dreamdancer to give to his first daughter. This name was accepted by his ex-girlfriend as the name to be given to their (Swordsong Dreamdancer & his ex-girlfriend when they were still a couple) first daughter. Purportedly the name of his ex-girlfriend's daughter.
2. Swordsong Dreamdancer's Self-Destruct Module - A series of misconceptions grounded in faulty logic which started in a feeling of inadequacy and incompetence during his formative years. Coincident with that feeling was the indoctrination that incompetence or the inability to perform according to the standards set by his parents deserves punishment. Because of unrecorded events, Swordsong Dreamdancer believed that his incompetence, as judged by his parents, is unacceptable and he MUST be destroyed. This self-destructive drive resulted in self-inflicted blunt trauma which eventually changed into suicidal fantasies. His suicidal drive, however, was thwarted by a strong sense of self-preservation. The mitigation was incomplete in that he would perform his academic duties VERY badly. The module is currently dormant.
