The FIRST dream I ever loved having

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Last night, I had the first SPECTACULAR dream of my life. Ignore the fact that the dream's ending was bittersweet, it was my -FIRST- DREAM that wasn't scary.

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The dream started with a me in a different Earth (think parallel Earths or alternate universes) living inside a monastery as one of the support staff. I had enough authority to do what I wish although I was still answerable to the Abbot, who was oftentimes crabby. The monastery, located atop high hills, was also an orphanage and half-way house for the community it served. During one of my walk around the said community, I came upon a dazed naked young woman. She wasn't from the community, since I knew the inhabitants by face, if not by name. I wrapped her in my cloak and carried her back to the monastery.

There, I nursed her back to health, despite the Abbot's complaints and damnations. He really couldn't do a thing about me since I supervised three-fourths of the monastery's support activities. Booting me out would mean at least a month wherein the monastery would run in a very inefficient manner (think dirty and starving). After two weeks of nursing, she gained enough strength to lucidly explain her circumstances. She related that she, for all intents and purposes, is a celestial being stripped of all her cosmic powers by circumstances beyond her control. She was greatly shocked by the transition to humanity that I came upon her in a naked and dazed state.

It was unbelievable but seeing no other recourse except to humor her to prevent a probable relapse, I slowly integrated her into my activities as the monastery's primary support staff. She was naturally calm and friendly, which endeared her to the orphans. I was responsible for her, so falling for her was a troublesome process. It didn't help that she also came to love me for what I am. Coldly efficient and ruthless, I performed my tasks to serve the community by taking care of the orphans and the others who had no place to stay at the moment. She somehow saw that I cared deeply. She saw that my smiles towards the people I helped were the most I could give. 

Calendars marked that 7 months have passed since she became a part of the monastery and 5 months since she became my heart's half. We welcomed orphans. We gave lonely deserving couples the children their hearts longed for. Then, I came upon a strange child during one of my walks (fascinating how I find objects of interest during my walks [shakes head in amusement]) and took him back to the monastery. Days of asking the community if they lost a child yielded no leads about the child's identity so the orphans welcomed another into their fold. 

My love and I were strongly considering marriage during one of our walks around the monastery when the mystery child walked up to us with determined steps. His demeanor was different, more commanding than his usual. The child then related to us that my love's exile will come to an end tomorrow. We were shocked and cried in each other's arms through the night. The monastery wall where we ended up sitting the whole night suddenly collapsed, forcing my love to use her now-returned celestial powers to save us by phasing us (think of Kitty Pryde's/Shadowcat's ability) through a support column. That was how our love ended, with me embracing the column where she decided to spend her last moments with me before she ascended. Words of endearment, loving silences and bitter tears were exchanged before she flew beyond my reach.

The dawn was bittersweet. I have found my love and she has found me. Our individual destinies allowed us a brief time together, no more, because our destinies lay along separate paths. I watched the sun bless the community I served with tears in my eyes as my dream ended. 

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I find it fascinating that my dream alternated from the first person to the third person as it saw fit [shrugs]. Nonetheless, it was the first dream that I greatly appreciated having upon waking up. I desperately hope that it wasn't prophetic in any way because it would suck very much to have the same fate as the me in my dream.

Hate

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Hate.

It has been said that there is only a paper thin line between love and hate. With me, a person of extremes, hate is the polar opposite of love. Where love inspires creation, hate foments destruction. This entry is about hate birthed by betrayal.

My first ex was/is well-known to my B.S. Physical Therapy batch-mates because she'd be with me most of the time I was at school (i.e. if she doesn't have class she'll sit-in at my classes or just hang around me). She was with me most of the time that even those people who're in the upper & lower batches knew we were a couple. In fairness to my ex, I'd be with her whenever I could because I enjoyed her company (in the beginning up to the middle) and I was too indecisive to go against her wishes (during the end phase of our relationship). Yes, this is the woman who insinuated that she has given birth to my child.

At the time that I learned she might be carrying my child (at approximately the beginning of the last quarter of 2005), as per her ambiguous statements, I have decided to reveal that particular situation to three females of my class, women that I've decided to trust. As it turns out, I've been severely lacking in intelligence & wisdom when I've decided to trust any classmate of mine with that information. During the first two months of our Physical Therapy Clinical Internship, one of those females said "At least hindi ako nang-iiwan ng babaing binuntis (At least I don't leave a woman I've impregnated)".

Of course, she is allowed to have her own opinion about my actions. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion. She is also allowed to betray the trust I have given her if she believes I do not deserve her loyalty for whatever reason she deems valid. She is also allowed to insult me if she believes I deserve punishment, even if only through the verbal media, for any action I have done.

However, she does not have the right to pass judgment over my actions.

Was she there when I walked those kilometers to hash out my feelings and my relationship with my ex? No, she was NOT. Was she there during the times my weakness was exploited? No, she was NOT. Was she there when I summoned the spine to resist my ex's wiles and manipulations? No, she was NOT. Was she there when I thought long and hard over the justice of my decision to break up with my ex EVEN IF the possibility that she carries my child exists? No, she was NOT. Perhaps, in my anger, I have missed a particular event or aspect that gives her the right to judge me. If so, I shall welcome that particular insight that reveals whatever it was that I missed that allowed such a Neanderthal to judge my actions as unacceptable. To add to her list of misdeeds, her partner, a female like her, has revealed that she has been told by my ex that she (my ex) has given birth. Coincidentally, it would seem that this female, rotund, disreputable hominid has been given that particular tidbit of information during the time that I've opened up the subject with my peers in a clinic where she was serving her make-up duties. If I obtain proof that they lie, they will do well to stay away from me. Their apologies will earn them nothing while their deaths will earn them amnesty from my wrath. As a piece of advice, those two dishonorable females would do well to add "Capable of character assassination" in their list of abilities in their curriculum vitae. I hate them. I will kill them if they give me the smallest chance to do it legally. They presume to judge me, they who have NO IDEA of what I go through everyday. They presume to judge me when they know not what I went through when I chose to leave my ex. If they wish, they may judge me again. Such is their freedom. However, I shall judge them in return and my judgment will be swift & lethal. I love with passion. I hate with ardor.

Self-discovery

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| | | | | The Epiphany, a Roman Catholic Christian Feast, has passed me by and that is PRECISELY what I had while I was walking back to the dorm that I consider my home. I realized, emphasized by heart-thumping irrational fear, that I am VERY AFRAID of growing up. The fear is composed of the following: 1. Growing up would mean that my parents would have to die soon. I may NOT like my parents, but they're the parents I had while I was growing up. Like them or not, I care for them deeply and imagining the time when they die hurt me very much. I really don't know when it occurred to me that growing up meant that my parents had to die soon, but I realize & know that I am very much afraid of that event. 2. Growing up also means that I'll die sooner or later. I guess that's where my suicidal tendencies come from, but the connection doesn't hold water at the moment, so I'll discard it. There is no objective data that supports the belief that there IS life beyond death. Life after death isn't a question because life continues to be even as someone dies. What I'm very much uncertain of &, consequently, afraid of is the situation beyond my life now. It's the unknown. For what it's worth, that discovery (that I'm afraid of growing up) drove home a very important realization. It's highly probable that the very reason why I didn't progress quickly in my college education is because I wanted to maintain a situation I was comfortable with, a situation wherein my parents were able to support me because they were alive and healthy. Given the fact that my life with them was hardly stress-free, I prefer the fact that they're around to cause me stress rather than the future where they're dead of old age. At the moment, I've yet to fully assimilate the data I've accumulated within the last three weeks. The data's inside swirling, and winking at me once in a while, inside my memory palace at the moment. [sighs] I might as well get on with it, the arrangement & assimilation, I mean. "The first step to believing something is wanting to believe it is true... or being afraid it is." -Wizard's First Rule On December 15, 2006, I received news through baby pictures captioned with "Aoisora Alexiel" that I may have actually fathered a child through my ex-GF. Unfortunately, I allowed my fears to control my reactions and that blinded me to the fact that the child's pictures included an image of the child's information (weight, length, date of birth). I was severely depressed by the fact (I thought it was a fact) that I have sired a child I wouldn't be able to raise. Being eldest in a Filipino family meant that I've been taught responsibility the moment my sibling was born, not that I was adverse to it. I was severely aggravated that (I'm reminding you that I REALLY thought the child was mine) a child of mine will grow up WITHOUT my guidance. Here, the Wizard's First Rule would have been priceless, had I followed it. Damn it all to hell [shakes head]. That severe depression resulted in further absence at the clinic I was serving in. I have somewhat resolved that issue and I'm at least half-way towards the complete resolution of my botched internship. During the first week of January, I was still in mental quicksand (quicksand - geological feature that sucks you down faster the more you move, as per my knowledge) until I've resolved to "do or die" on January 5, 2007. I applied to two jobs during that day's afternoon and early evening. I failed to pass the second job interview's requirements because of my inability to correctly pronounce "th". I didn't receive anything from the first company I applied to on January 8, 2007, the date I was promised to be notified about the results of my application. As it is, I wasn't hired anywhere. On January 8, 2007, I FINALLY talked to my mother about the things that were bothering me, particularly the built-in self-destruct module I had. That was also the time when I was compelled to state the truth about my feelings. Unfortunately, stating my true feelings on January 9, 2007 made my mom panic which made me panic. All the panic resulted in a phone call from a very special lady that made the day right in the end. I was able to resolve a good number of issues by January 13, 2007 when it was put on paper that I will graduate this April if I finish my make-up duties within the prescribed period. The gears have started spinning last week & I intend to keep them spinning. There is much to do, a fear to conquer and a world to dominate. Sitting on my butt writing about them is good practice, I think [tilts head to the left]. It also puts things in perspective and in a form I can review in the future. I would like to react to the well-meant and well-received messages to my previous post but that will have to wait. Notes: 1. Aoisora Alexiel - The name chosen by Swordsong Dreamdancer to give to his first daughter. This name was accepted by his ex-girlfriend as the name to be given to their (Swordsong Dreamdancer & his ex-girlfriend when they were still a couple) first daughter. Purportedly the name of his ex-girlfriend's daughter. 2. Swordsong Dreamdancer's Self-Destruct Module - A series of misconceptions grounded in faulty logic which started in a feeling of inadequacy and incompetence during his formative years. Coincident with that feeling was the indoctrination that incompetence or the inability to perform according to the standards set by his parents deserves punishment. Because of unrecorded events, Swordsong Dreamdancer believed that his incompetence, as judged by his parents, is unacceptable and he MUST be destroyed. This self-destructive drive resulted in self-inflicted blunt trauma which eventually changed into suicidal fantasies. His suicidal drive, however, was thwarted by a strong sense of self-preservation. The mitigation was incomplete in that he would perform his academic duties VERY badly. The module is currently dormant.