See-saw

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Not that it's a bad thing, but, my role in the relationship almost always forces me to suck it up and shut up when it comes to my emotions. Granted, most of those emotions were things that came and went. Granted, my upbringing and self-training allows me to blank myself out and create an emotional void that absorbs negativity with no consequence.

But. What of the emotions that whispered of suspicions and fears? Granted, the observations were one-sided and would be unable to tell the entire story. Still, those observations were unfiltered and unbiased and compared to a baseline. While not exactly valid based on methodology, the observations are just that, observations. Interpretation happened after documentation, to keep the data as pristine as possible.

Mayhap I'm defending myself. Mayhap I'm looking for an excuse for the discrepancies.

Maybe.

Maybe Vergere's words are the only truth in an existence permeated by lies.

Desiderata

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    33 years this 2015 and, if my yearmates are to be the gauge, I'm a failure. Yet, if not for my father (both whip and salve in this case), I would not have these words:

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

    I find it ironic and the amusement just makes the irony all the more telling because the words state explicitly that one should not compare one's self and my father touts these regularly yet he is first in comparing me and mine to all and sundry.

    [shrugs]

    Still, nevertheless.
 
    I can see where I'm going and while it could have been better, I can now see some of the mistakes that I'm making before it gets bigger. I guess that's the benefit of experience, such as it is. Granted that there's a lot more I could've done, I find that I can shrug all those whiplashes off without a sweat these days. Maybe the distance helps.

    Being INTJ/INTP/ISTJ gives me a lot of introspective muscle to pull, for which I'm grateful.
 
    I am grateful that I am where I am. It lets me be and while there are still wants, I have the means to obtain those wants with a little bit of exertion.
 
    Grateful introspection.