Dancing my way: self

Showing posts with label self. Show all posts

Desiderata

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    33 years this 2015 and, if my yearmates are to be the gauge, I'm a failure. Yet, if not for my father (both whip and salve in this case), I would not have these words:

"If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."

    I find it ironic and the amusement just makes the irony all the more telling because the words state explicitly that one should not compare one's self and my father touts these regularly yet he is first in comparing me and mine to all and sundry.

    [shrugs]

    Still, nevertheless.

    I can see where I'm going and while it could have been better, I can now see some of the mistakes that I'm making before it gets bigger. I guess that's the benefit of experience, such as it is. Granted that there's a lot more I could've done, I find that I can shrug all those whiplashes off without a sweat these days. Maybe the distance helps.

    Being INTJ/INTP/ISTJ gives me a lot of introspective muscle to pull, for which I'm grateful.

    I am grateful that I am where I am. It lets me be and while there are still wants, I have the means to obtain those wants with a little bit of exertion.

    Grateful introspection.

Veni, vidi, vici

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Pride.

I guess having the last word on something is very important for some people.

Today, Rose resumed contact for an hour. At the end of it, she said she's done. That she's breaking things off.

[blinks in thought] What the?

[shrugs] Well, if it makes her feel better, there's no harm in letting her have the last word. It changes nothing inside me. It doesn't change the fact that we're isles apart in so many ways. It doesn't change the fact that what we had couldn't have worked.

Oh, yeah. Our internal chat network lets us block other people while still letting us see their status messages. Rose's status message last Thursday was "What goes around, comes back around." The suppressed grammar Nazi in me was raring to have at it. After an hour, I changed my status message to "They call those things 'boomerangs' in Australia." Rose changed hers to "WHATEVER!!!!!" [laughs] Trolling, SUCCESSFUL!

Letting the flower lie

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And with this, the end is set; what we had you'll soon forget.

I serve as I had before; as one that's yours, nevermore.

As we stand, so it ends; not as foes, nor as friends.

As of the moment, the silence I'm getting underscores the assessment that I really was just used by Rose.

It was already a blow to me that she just put the phone down while I was venting. What? She was the only one who had the right to vent on the other party in a relationship? That woke me up from my stupor of stupidity and lack of spine.

So I sent that poem the moment I woke.

And Rose's lack of reaction to it screams that losing a tool like me is like losing a pencil when you own a well-stocked school-supplies shop.

Yes, recovering from these blows to my fragile self-esteem will take a lot of work. It's my fault that I let things get out of hand with Rose, so there's no point in beating myself up about it. I just have to keep at re-building what was broken.

DJ OZMA could provide the BGM for this one

Research is fascinating. I found out the definition I was given for her name didn't match what the online sources gave. It also associated her name with Lepidoptera. With all that, for this post, I'll call her "Rose."

Regardless of the distance, when I saw that singular picture of Rose, I was attracted like moth to brilliant flame. Her carefree smile entranced and I was bound from thereon.

I pursued her as best as I was able. Surprisingly, Rose actually went out of her way to dissuade me by stating what people viewed as personality quirks and defects. I wasn't fazed and I was actually more attracted by her straightforward, bright and in-your-face personality.

And I fell, diving headfirst. She reciprocated as she was able, bound as she was by circumstances. It didn't matter to me that I'd get an instant daughter if things got to a point because I felt that strongly for her.

Of course, there was the nagging feeling that I was being toyed with but I decided to ignore it since I couldn't confirm anything. She made me happy. I'd smile like a carefree idiot whenever I thought of her.

5 weeks into our interactions, I've seen that she is unable to break free from those circumstances, even if I helped her. Maybe her feelings for me were too shallow. It may be I just can't make her feel as strongly as I do. "Maybe pigs have wings and fly" went through my mind and I decided to get help because I saw what we had wasn't going anywhere.

I went to Nine and Tep for assistance. After Nine browsed through the series of SMS Rose and I exchanged, without any input from me, Nine said I was just being toyed with. That was the nail, nay, the rock-drill that drove home the point I had to end things.

So, Nine, Tep and I brainstormed and we agreed that "I overestimated myself. You deserve better. I will no longer bother you." will be sent to Rose via SMS after she hurts me with words. From there, all I had to do was not answer her calls or reply to her SMS.

And I was able to pull it off. Rose has stopped calling me or sending email this Friday.

For two days now, I've been missing what Rose and I had. Sure, I was being toyed with but it was still attention that she freely gave. It's quite possible that I was just deluding myself, thinking that her words of affection were true. Fake or true, Rose's words made me happy. Whether or not she was just toying with me, sharing those moments with Rose made me happy.

I miss Rose.

Knowing human nature, I'll forget what we had as quickly as Rose has forgotten me. Well, maybe not as quickly as she had since I still feel the hole Rose's absence has created. She was very important.

I loved Rose.

[dusts myself off while I rise from the ground I slumped on]

Better luck next time, then. The quest goes on. I'll cry about this when I get home later.

I would have wanted to dedicate "Promise" to her.

Backtrack

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During my elementary (grade school), I had a female best friend that I'll hide behind the name "Breezy". She led me and her other friends to lots of fun adventures [smirks in amusement], which included a fair amount of trouble (that thankfully weren't made known to our parents).

Breezy smiled a lot and she shared a lot of my hobbies such as reading and watching cartoon TV shows as we approached our teens. She gave me a book when we graduated on the 6th grade since we were going to different High Schools. Sir Walter Scott's Ivanhoe wasn't a first in the genré since I was given an abbreviated portion of part of Le Morte d'Arthur when I reached the 3rd grade. However, Ivanhoe opened a lot of doors as it had a lot of "thee" and "thou" while introducing new concepts that I was only able to appreciate years after.

Breezy and I kept in touch during the first two years of high school. I'd ride my bike to her house, we'd exchange stories and be ourselves. She gave me another book, Robert McKinney's Homecoming (4th in the novel adaptation of the Macross saga). Of course, since she attended a Science High School, the academic pressures prevented further interaction until we met again while we prepared for the College Entrance Exams.

I was happy to see a familiar and friendly face in those preparatory classes. We made a mutual friend (who sadly didn't make it into the University of the Philippines like we did), re-affirmed bonds and learned. [tilts head to the right] Well, I learned more than she did since most of the topics covered in the classes have already been discussed during her classroom hours.

Upon getting admitted to the University of the Phillipines-Manila (hers was direct while mine was more circuitous), we managed to keep in touch. Sure, her course was taxing as it was the accelerated Medical Course (designed to turn you into a doctor within seven years, provided you don't go mad or depressed along the way) but she managed. I, however, had to leave the University as my skills weren't up to the task.

A year passed in the school that I transferred to. I was walking home with my first girlfriend when I met her on Padre Faura. I introduced my girl to her then I was surprised that she rebuffed me, saying that it's all fine and dandy but I forgot that the day was also her birthday.

At least a decade has passed since that event. True, the sting has passed. I still am confused that she was annoyed that I didn't remember her birthday when she didn't bother to greet me on any of mine before that occasion. I mean, you forgot mine so shouldn't it be fine that I forgot yours when both of us meant no malice [tilts head to the right]?

Anyhow, ever since the social networking websites have taken root (which would be after that incident), I've taken to hiding my birthday. When Friendster was in vogue, I would move my birthday a month behind whenever it approached. Now that Facebook is the rage, it took some time but I eventually found a way to hide my birthday.

Just recently, only my blood family and some of my adopted sisters were able to greet me. It was satisfying [smiles like a well-fed cat].

So, yeah, if Breezy crosses my path again, what would I do? On the spot (while I'm writing this), I've decided to greet her with a genuine heartfelt smile. She was my best friend then. Should she want to leave things in the ditch, my hands would be clean.

And the Wheel of Time turns once again

Upheavals are expected in a life; it would be boring otherwise.

So, we have an ended relationship [shrugs]. It matters little how it ended, as it is over and done regardless. What am I keeping from it? Good memories, a 1/100 MG Wing Zero Custom with silver wings named Samurai Excelsa, the affirmation that some people are really stupid but they still bear and raise twisted children even if they shouldn't and a persistent drive to move forward.

I finished painting Samurai Excelsa's wings and it's [pouts] aggravating that the spray can of silver paint is malfunctioning. Granted that the can malfunctioned AFTER the wings were painted, I still had Melodia's swords to paint (among other things). That's another expense since I do have to finish those projects that I wanted painted a specific color. There's also the repair of overpainted parts, which means I have to sand away the error and repaint. And ... Yes, the list does go on. There's a specific mecha I want to create and it'll mean some kit-bashing. And painting. [sighs] Painting is troublesome but it's the only way to get what I want so I have to suck it up.

I have a PSP. That's something that I'm very pleased about. I can watch movies (albeit on a smaller screen) and play the games I like. Yes, I've ignored Final Fantasy Tactics in exchange for Tactics Ogre: Let us cling together. Hopefully, the FF fanboys won't notice and lynch me [smirks in amusement]. Yes, I'm" grinding" earlier than expected that the story battles just aren't challenging. The process, however, is more a product of wanting dragons at an early enough stage. To get dragons, one must have functional dragoons. You'd get where it's going if you've played enough games.

I have songs, new songs from my twin. Kalafina has great songs. Plumb, too. There's also CHEMISTRY's "Merry-go-round" for Gundam Unicorn and it's great!

Gunslinger Girl is still at the top 5 of my manga list. The stories it weaves about the girls are so heart-wrenching and real. I absolutely love it that it's making me cry some more (was already crying since Beatrice died).

Yes, life moves on. Moving on without Irene ... [shrugs] could be worse, I think.

Affirmation

Yesterday, I was tasked by our House to enroll my brother into the University of the Philippines-Manila because he was indisposed. While I resented the fact that I had to exert effort so he wouldn't pay for the consequences of his inaction, I was largely indifferent to the task since it presented opportunity.

Off I went.

There, I met my Comm II teacher. She was still spry. Though she initially forgot my name, she remembered enough of me to ask "Do you still write?".

That "Do you still write" was the first thing she said pleased me greatly. My writing skills when I was 17 years old were relatively better than my peers but it was still too rough. That she noticed my capabilities as a writer at that stage, that she remembered such a thing after approximately 9 years, was a joyous ... [peers at "joyous"] Nope [shakes head], the word is too weak and is unable to describe just how happy, proud and acknowledged I felt.

Then & there, my person's worth was recognized for what it was and what it will be.

I've much to do so I won't disappoint myself or the others who believe in the real me. [shrugs] Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. [smiles] Then again, where's the fun in easy?

Dancing my way