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I've read that Despair is the handmaiden of War.
In war, you would often see all the dead, from your side and your enemy's, scattered all around while the smoke clears. Battered bodies, perforated and mangled, mutely scream the death of dreams, goals and hopes. Of the deceased, we only know that they cease to be, knowing nothing beyond the great veil. Of the survivors, either shock numbs them or determined purpose steels them. At least, until Despair manages to clutch their minds in her twisted rending claws.
The moment Despair has you in her grip, you will see the utter pointlessness of your effort as you see your actions earning you next to nothing. You survived? So what? While your skills and training have kept you alive by letting you do the right thing at the right time, you've seem your comrades die despite them doing the same, struck down by circumstances beyond their control. It's not what you do, it's that pivotal event that didn't happen to you that kept you alive.
Thankfully, luckily, I have not been in an actual war, one where lives are forfeit based on decisions made by people beyond the grasp of sudden and horrible death.
Still, here and now, Despair holds me.
It is not a war that would grant me a sudden and horrible death but it is nonetheless a war that will cost me my life if I lose.
I fight to be employed, to be gainfully employed.
My decisions have put me in this place, one where I fight desperately. Admitting that they were the wrong decisions, realizing and accepting that fact, were core to the process of finding a solution and preventing its recurrence. Still, Despair mocks me with the lack of results. I feel hopeless. I go through the motions, the actions that have earned me victory before and I see nothing from such. I get nothing from something, as I see my actions and its impotence crash against the solid wall of circumstances beyond my control.
Nonetheless, nevertheless, the despair is real. The fear is real. As blaming myself won't generate a solution, the desired outcome, I don't even bother with it though I am tempted to thoroughly berate myself instead of creating that solution. Yes, I richly deserve all the blame. Yet, if I blame myself, would it fix the situation? No, it won't. I blamed myself before and the situation didn't change.
It is said that it is darkest before dawn. I hope it is true. It's dark, very dark, right now.
In war, you would often see all the dead, from your side and your enemy's, scattered all around while the smoke clears. Battered bodies, perforated and mangled, mutely scream the death of dreams, goals and hopes. Of the deceased, we only know that they cease to be, knowing nothing beyond the great veil. Of the survivors, either shock numbs them or determined purpose steels them. At least, until Despair manages to clutch their minds in her twisted rending claws.
The moment Despair has you in her grip, you will see the utter pointlessness of your effort as you see your actions earning you next to nothing. You survived? So what? While your skills and training have kept you alive by letting you do the right thing at the right time, you've seem your comrades die despite them doing the same, struck down by circumstances beyond their control. It's not what you do, it's that pivotal event that didn't happen to you that kept you alive.
Thankfully, luckily, I have not been in an actual war, one where lives are forfeit based on decisions made by people beyond the grasp of sudden and horrible death.
Still, here and now, Despair holds me.
It is not a war that would grant me a sudden and horrible death but it is nonetheless a war that will cost me my life if I lose.
I fight to be employed, to be gainfully employed.
My decisions have put me in this place, one where I fight desperately. Admitting that they were the wrong decisions, realizing and accepting that fact, were core to the process of finding a solution and preventing its recurrence. Still, Despair mocks me with the lack of results. I feel hopeless. I go through the motions, the actions that have earned me victory before and I see nothing from such. I get nothing from something, as I see my actions and its impotence crash against the solid wall of circumstances beyond my control.
Nonetheless, nevertheless, the despair is real. The fear is real. As blaming myself won't generate a solution, the desired outcome, I don't even bother with it though I am tempted to thoroughly berate myself instead of creating that solution. Yes, I richly deserve all the blame. Yet, if I blame myself, would it fix the situation? No, it won't. I blamed myself before and the situation didn't change.
It is said that it is darkest before dawn. I hope it is true. It's dark, very dark, right now.
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