Dancing my way: feelings

Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts

Veni, vidi, vici

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Pride.

I guess having the last word on something is very important for some people.

Today, Rose resumed contact for an hour. At the end of it, she said she's done. That she's breaking things off.

[blinks in thought] What the?

[shrugs] Well, if it makes her feel better, there's no harm in letting her have the last word. It changes nothing inside me. It doesn't change the fact that we're isles apart in so many ways. It doesn't change the fact that what we had couldn't have worked.

Oh, yeah. Our internal chat network lets us block other people while still letting us see their status messages. Rose's status message last Thursday was "What goes around, comes back around." The suppressed grammar Nazi in me was raring to have at it. After an hour, I changed my status message to "They call those things 'boomerangs' in Australia." Rose changed hers to "WHATEVER!!!!!" [laughs] Trolling, SUCCESSFUL!

DJ OZMA could provide the BGM for this one

Research is fascinating. I found out the definition I was given for her name didn't match what the online sources gave. It also associated her name with Lepidoptera. With all that, for this post, I'll call her "Rose."

Regardless of the distance, when I saw that singular picture of Rose, I was attracted like moth to brilliant flame. Her carefree smile entranced and I was bound from thereon.

I pursued her as best as I was able. Surprisingly, Rose actually went out of her way to dissuade me by stating what people viewed as personality quirks and defects. I wasn't fazed and I was actually more attracted by her straightforward, bright and in-your-face personality.

And I fell, diving headfirst. She reciprocated as she was able, bound as she was by circumstances. It didn't matter to me that I'd get an instant daughter if things got to a point because I felt that strongly for her.

Of course, there was the nagging feeling that I was being toyed with but I decided to ignore it since I couldn't confirm anything. She made me happy. I'd smile like a carefree idiot whenever I thought of her.

5 weeks into our interactions, I've seen that she is unable to break free from those circumstances, even if I helped her. Maybe her feelings for me were too shallow. It may be I just can't make her feel as strongly as I do. "Maybe pigs have wings and fly" went through my mind and I decided to get help because I saw what we had wasn't going anywhere.

I went to Nine and Tep for assistance. After Nine browsed through the series of SMS Rose and I exchanged, without any input from me, Nine said I was just being toyed with. That was the nail, nay, the rock-drill that drove home the point I had to end things.

So, Nine, Tep and I brainstormed and we agreed that "I overestimated myself. You deserve better. I will no longer bother you." will be sent to Rose via SMS after she hurts me with words. From there, all I had to do was not answer her calls or reply to her SMS.

And I was able to pull it off. Rose has stopped calling me or sending email this Friday.

For two days now, I've been missing what Rose and I had. Sure, I was being toyed with but it was still attention that she freely gave. It's quite possible that I was just deluding myself, thinking that her words of affection were true. Fake or true, Rose's words made me happy. Whether or not she was just toying with me, sharing those moments with Rose made me happy.

I miss Rose.

Knowing human nature, I'll forget what we had as quickly as Rose has forgotten me. Well, maybe not as quickly as she had since I still feel the hole Rose's absence has created. She was very important.

I loved Rose.

[dusts myself off while I rise from the ground I slumped on]

Better luck next time, then. The quest goes on. I'll cry about this when I get home later.

I would have wanted to dedicate "Promise" to her.

And the Wheel of Time turns once again

Upheavals are expected in a life; it would be boring otherwise.

So, we have an ended relationship [shrugs]. It matters little how it ended, as it is over and done regardless. What am I keeping from it? Good memories, a 1/100 MG Wing Zero Custom with silver wings named Samurai Excelsa, the affirmation that some people are really stupid but they still bear and raise twisted children even if they shouldn't and a persistent drive to move forward.

I finished painting Samurai Excelsa's wings and it's [pouts] aggravating that the spray can of silver paint is malfunctioning. Granted that the can malfunctioned AFTER the wings were painted, I still had Melodia's swords to paint (among other things). That's another expense since I do have to finish those projects that I wanted painted a specific color. There's also the repair of overpainted parts, which means I have to sand away the error and repaint. And ... Yes, the list does go on. There's a specific mecha I want to create and it'll mean some kit-bashing. And painting. [sighs] Painting is troublesome but it's the only way to get what I want so I have to suck it up.

I have a PSP. That's something that I'm very pleased about. I can watch movies (albeit on a smaller screen) and play the games I like. Yes, I've ignored Final Fantasy Tactics in exchange for Tactics Ogre: Let us cling together. Hopefully, the FF fanboys won't notice and lynch me [smirks in amusement]. Yes, I'm" grinding" earlier than expected that the story battles just aren't challenging. The process, however, is more a product of wanting dragons at an early enough stage. To get dragons, one must have functional dragoons. You'd get where it's going if you've played enough games.

I have songs, new songs from my twin. Kalafina has great songs. Plumb, too. There's also CHEMISTRY's "Merry-go-round" for Gundam Unicorn and it's great!

Gunslinger Girl is still at the top 5 of my manga list. The stories it weaves about the girls are so heart-wrenching and real. I absolutely love it that it's making me cry some more (was already crying since Beatrice died).

Yes, life moves on. Moving on without Irene ... [shrugs] could be worse, I think.

Turning points and foci

I've done some counting and it'll take a fair bit of juggling if I wish to complete my goals by year's end. Of course, there's the usual problem with logistics, but I guess that's part of Life whichever way you productively live it.

Being who I am means that I'll have to contend with a lot of things while keeping a good amount of things secret from those who will misjudge me out of ignorance. Given that I can eventually reveal said secrets when the time is right, the fact that integral parts of my person have to be hidden grates against something fundamental I'm having trouble identifying. Perhaps it's annoying me because I'm naturally proud of what I am, because even my negative aspects (that of my upbringing and character) serve my goals and purposes. That others cannot appreciate those parts because they refuse to see those aspects' relevance.

I've goals. I'll achieve those goals because I know those goals are moral and even if they're primarily selfish goals, those goals will serve others just as well. I will be a practicing knowledgeable effective Physical Therapist because being less than that is an unacceptable embarrassment.

There are steps to be made, decisions to be carved into stone and a dream to turn into reality. There's much to be done, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy so I'm going to use every resource at my disposal.

I wield Freedom & Destiny.

The Samurai takes no prisoners. It fights to uphold and defend what I consider mine and right.

Mixed bag of goodies

2005H 12/03/08 (GMT +0800H)

Well [blinks], status quo and all that hoop-la do not merit a blog entry.

~~~

I'm irritated with a senior tenured colleague of mine because said colleague is a SLACKER! What do I have against slackers? Slackers pretend to work while they pass off some of their professional duties, duties they dislike, to others. Said slacker passed a responsibility to me EVEN if I was nearly incapacitated with hunger. How did it go? Like this: I had my first patient yesterday at around 1300H, prior to my lunch. While I was giving the first modalities to that patient, my regular Tuesday patient arrived (the one who gave the Batmobile). His arrival meant that by the time I finished with my first patient, he'd be done with his round with our department's Occupational Therapist, which meant I'd be treating him immediately after without eating my lunch. I didn't mind having to treat my regular patient right after my first patient of the day since my morning meal could provide me energy equal to a brunch. So, sans lunch, I treated my regular patient until 1700H. We were delayed because we had to wait for some equipment to be available. During our treatment session, I noticed that a patient (one that I administered the initial treatment to) was waiting for someone to treat him even if the slacker was available/without patients to treat. I noticed that patient approximately 20 minutes before I finished my gig with my regular patient. Guess what? He was still waiting for a PT to treat him when I finished. Now, what did the slacker do? Said slacker uttered: "Sir, I'll be putting the hot-packs and TENS on him while you finish picking up. He's yours after I put the stuff on him." [raises brows and makes an incredulous face] Tarnations! YOU -KNEW- I haven't had lunch yet. YOU hold your lunch period sacred. You were doing SQUAT and you passed the patient to -ME-? What does your action tell me about you, huh? Where's your professionalism? I, PERSONALLY, dislike treating a particular patient because of the tedious and unwieldy nature of said patient's treatment protocol BUT I still treat that patient in a professional manner, in a manner wherein I give my best. Why do I give my best to my patients, regardless of my prejudices? I give my best because I swore an OATH. You also have a license to practice as a PT in the Philippines. Makes me wonder what that license and the oath that comes with it mean to you.

~~~

Last Friday, romantic opportunities presented themselves. The first opportunity I really don't want to put much stock in, since the probable graduated from a college whose graduates I distrust in romantic situations. The last opportunity was a tad iffy, since I wasn't able to find out if the probable was still single. [shrugs] What the heck, it doesn't really matter since I'll be leaving within two years. Starting a romantic relationship with the Lady of my dreams within those two years would be most risky. I stand to lose much AND if things end badly, I'll end up hurting another woman's feelings. I don't like hurting (relative) innocents, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

~~~

Job opportunities are being analyzed. Finances are being projected. God, Fates & Luck willing, I'll be on my way to my desired state of affairs in 3 months time at the average (a month at the least if Luck smiles brightly on me).

Affirmation

Yesterday, I was tasked by our House to enroll my brother into the University of the Philippines-Manila because he was indisposed. While I resented the fact that I had to exert effort so he wouldn't pay for the consequences of his inaction, I was largely indifferent to the task since it presented opportunity.

Off I went.

There, I met my Comm II teacher. She was still spry. Though she initially forgot my name, she remembered enough of me to ask "Do you still write?".

That "Do you still write" was the first thing she said pleased me greatly. My writing skills when I was 17 years old were relatively better than my peers but it was still too rough. That she noticed my capabilities as a writer at that stage, that she remembered such a thing after approximately 9 years, was a joyous ... [peers at "joyous"] Nope [shakes head], the word is too weak and is unable to describe just how happy, proud and acknowledged I felt.

Then & there, my person's worth was recognized for what it was and what it will be.

I've much to do so I won't disappoint myself or the others who believe in the real me. [shrugs] Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. [smiles] Then again, where's the fun in easy?

Emotions [laughs in a decidedly evil manner]

Ah, yes... Blessed silence. A comment from a respected Lady. Interaction with another Lady last night. ([smirks] Regardless of the fact that both Ladies are not interested in a romantic relationship with me, I still enjoy their company) Those things make me a happy man. Now, I'll have to get to the part where I'll make money, support myself, set up the fund/business for my mercenary little sister's college education and all those other stuff so I can be happier. There's this thing about finding Her, but I can only believe that for as long as I engage in a pro-active search while doing my best to live, I'll be able to find Her. Things aren't really looking that well since the execution of my decision may be delayed significantly thanks to Murphy's Law. [shrugs] C'est la vie. I've Freedom & Destiny & the Samurai. I'm alive & I'm not giving up on anything about my self. I've got my close friends and they're there when I've great need. I've got my twin. I'm me.

Energy allocation

Fact: I'm using a lot of energy just to keep my Anger Sublimation Engine working to the point that I've precious little left over for my other mental functions.

Argh.

Appreciation from an unlikely source

That's the little collectible from HotWheels that my patient gave me. I was surprised and pleased that I got it. I don't recall telling him that I like Batman, so the joy of receiving it was substantially increased. It's nice to know that I'm appreciated.

Dancing my way